How to Know What Is Going On With Your Child When They Will Not Tell You
In this article:
- Why children tell you things even when they are not talking
- The six signs to watch for — behavioral, emotional, physical, descriptive, social, and school
- What the signs look like at each age from toddlers to tweens
- The drawing that got smaller — a real classroom story that changed everything
- How play reveals what words cannot
- What to do when they absolutely will not open up — including mommy time
- How to ask questions without making a child feel interrogated
- When to reach out to a teacher and what to say
You know your child. You know their laugh, their moods, the face they make when they are trying not to cry. So when something shifts, even slightly, you notice. You cannot always name it. But you feel it.
Something is different. Something is off. And they are not telling you what it is.
Here is what I want you to know: they are telling you. Just not with words. Children communicate constantly through their behavior, their artwork, their play, their bodies, and the tiny moments they think nobody is watching. Your job is not to interrogate them. Your job is to learn how to read what they are already saying.
👀 The six signs to watch for
Children rarely come to us and say “I am struggling with something.” They show us instead. Here are the six areas where children reveal what is going on inside, even when they cannot find the words.
- Unusual misbehavior or acting out
- More defiant than normal
- Regressive behavior (acting younger)
- Sudden clinginess or separation anxiety
- More sensitive or prone to tears
- Fear or anxiety about specific things
- Refusing activities they normally love
- Withdrawn or unusually quiet
- Unexplained bumps, bruises, scratches
- Stomachaches or headaches before school
- Changes in sleep or appetite
- Complaints of feeling unwell without fever
- Recurring themes in drawings
- Drawings getting smaller or darker
- Stories during play that mirror real fears
- Playing out scenarios repeatedly
- Resistance to going to school
- Change in grades or effort
- Teacher mentions a change in behavior
- Coming home exhausted or upset regularly
No single sign means something is wrong. Children have bad days. They get tired. They go through phases. What you are looking for is a pattern, something that keeps coming up, something that feels different from their normal.
🎨 The drawing that got smaller
This is one of the most powerful stories from my years in the classroom and I share it every time I talk about knowing what is going on with children. Because it shows better than anything else how children communicate without words.
A teacher noticed that Rachel’s drawings were changing. Not dramatically, not overnight. Just gradually, over a few weeks, they were getting smaller. The colors were less bright. The figures were less detailed. The pages that used to be full of life were starting to feel… quiet.
The teacher reached out to Rachel’s mother. At first her mom was not sure what to make of it. But as they talked through the timeline, she remembered something. Around the same time the drawings started changing, Rachel had come home crying from school one day. It turned out the bus driver had yelled at her. And Rachel had been carrying that with her ever since, too small a thing to report, too big a thing to shake.
Once they understood what had happened, they worked through it together. They talked to Rachel, addressed the anxiety, explained what appropriate behavior on the bus looks like and why adults sometimes react in ways that are not okay. Rachel’s drawings went back to normal. The colors came back. The pages filled up again.
A child’s artwork is a window. The size of the figures, the colors chosen, the recurring images, the things that appear and then disappear — all of it tells a story. You do not need to be an art therapist to notice when that story changes. You just need to be paying attention.
🪆 What play reveals that words never will
Young children process the world through play. It is not just fun. It is how they make sense of things that are confusing, scary, or too big for their vocabulary. When something is bothering a child, it often shows up in their play before it shows up anywhere else.
Rachel seemed withdrawn. Not dramatically — just quieter than usual, less herself. Her mom was concerned but was not sure how to approach her without making it worse.
One afternoon she noticed Rachel playing with her doll and asked if she could join. “Only if you behave,” Rachel said.
Her mom asked what she needed to do to behave. Rachel responded: “You need to listen to me all the time. If not you will not get to eat lunch.”
Her mom was immediately concerned. When she reached out to the teacher, they realized what had happened. The teacher had a rule about washing hands before lunch, and the way she had phrased it had accidentally made Rachel afraid that if she did not listen she would not be allowed to eat. A small misunderstanding, but one that a child had been carrying around in silence and processing through play with her doll.
Play is safe. When a child acts out a scenario with toys or imaginary characters, they are not on the spot. They are not being asked to explain themselves. They are just playing. And in that space, the truth comes out.
Get on the floor with your child. Follow their lead. Ask gentle questions about the characters: “What is the doll feeling right now?” “Why is the toy upset?” “What do you think will happen next?” You will learn more in ten minutes of play than in an hour of asking “what happened at school today.”
👶 What the signs look like at different ages
Children do not all communicate distress the same way. A toddler who is struggling looks completely different from a tween who is struggling. Here is what to watch for at each stage so you know what is normal and what is worth paying attention to.
- Regression — wetting the bed again, wanting a bottle, baby talk
- Clinginess or separation anxiety that was not there before
- More tantrums than usual or more intense ones
- Themes in play that repeat — fighting, being left out, someone getting hurt
- Loss of appetite or refusing foods they liked
- Nightmares or suddenly scared of the dark
- Not wanting to go to school — stomachaches and headaches Monday morning
- Coming home and going straight to their room
- Sudden change in who their friends are
- Drawings or stories with recurring dark themes
- More irritable or snappy than usual
- Stops talking about school altogether
- Goes quiet — stops sharing the small things they used to share
- Spends more time alone in their room
- Reacts strongly to small things — door slamming, tears over nothing obvious
- Change in sleep patterns — staying up later or sleeping more
- Pulls away from family activities they used to enjoy
- Protective of their phone or very secretive about it
Tweens are the hardest age group for this. The older children get, the more they want to handle things on their own, the more they worry about being judged, and the more they pull away from parents. That does not mean they do not need you. It means the approach has to change completely.
🔐 When they will not open up no matter what you try
Some children are just not talkers. Some are going through something so big they cannot find words for it yet. And some — especially older kids — have decided that talking to a parent about it is not an option, at least not right now.
The worst thing you can do is push. The second worst thing is give up entirely. What actually works is creating so many low-pressure opportunities to connect that eventually the words find their way out on their own.
As my kids got older I noticed they became more reluctant to share. The natural chattiness of little children fades and suddenly you are getting one-word answers to everything.
So I started something called mommy time. Every night, right before bed, each child gets ten minutes of completely uninterrupted one-on-one time with me. No phones, no siblings, no agenda. Just them and me. If their bedtime is 7:30 and they are ready for bed by 7:25, they get five extra minutes of mommy time. If they drag their feet and are not ready until 7:40, they lose ten minutes of mommy time.
Here is what happened. Bedtime battles disappeared almost completely. Because now they want to get to bed on time. Mommy time is something worth protecting.
And in those ten quiet minutes before sleep, with nowhere else to be and no pressure to perform, the things they have been carrying all day find their way out. Not because I asked the right question. Just because they finally had the space.
- Schedule it right before bed. The combination of tiredness and low stimulation makes children more likely to open up than any other time of day
- Make being on time mean something. Ready for bed on time means full mommy time. Late means less. This solves the bedtime battle as a bonus
- No agenda. Do not go in with questions prepared. Just be there. Let them lead. Sometimes it is ten minutes of silence and that is fine too
- Do it for every child separately. Siblings present means performing. One on one is where the real conversations happen
- Extend it to mommy dates for older kids. A walk, a trip to get ice cream, a drive with no destination. Tweens open up when they are side by side doing something, not sitting across from you making eye contact
The ice cream trip, the walk around the block, the drive to nowhere in particular — these are not treats. They are connection strategies. Especially for older kids and tweens who will never sit down and have a feelings conversation but will absolutely talk your ear off while walking the dog or choosing ice cream flavors.
Side by side is almost always better than face to face with older children. Face to face feels like a meeting. Side by side feels like just being together. And just being together is where trust gets built.
💬 How to ask without making them feel interrogated
The instinct when we sense something is wrong is to ask directly. “What happened?” “Did someone hurt you?” “Is everything okay?” But for children, especially younger ones, direct questions can feel like pressure. They shut down rather than open up.
The most effective questions are sideways ones. They give the child a way in without forcing them to walk through a door they are not ready to open.
Bedtime is often the best time for these conversations. Children are relaxed, the lights are low, there is nowhere else to be. Some of the most important things my children have ever told me have come out in those quiet ten minutes before sleep.
🤝 When to reach out to the teacher and what to say
Teachers see your child for hours every day in a completely different environment. They notice things you would never see at home. And you notice things they would never see at school. When you combine those two perspectives, you almost always get a clearer picture of what is going on.
Do not wait until something feels serious to reach out. A quick note saying “I have noticed a change at home and wanted to check in” is always appropriate. A good teacher will be grateful you asked.
- Be specific about what you have noticed. Not “she seems off” but “her drawings have changed over the last few weeks and she has been more withdrawn at home.”
- Ask what they have noticed, not what they think is wrong. “Have you noticed any changes in her mood or behavior at school?” opens a conversation. “Is something wrong?” puts them on the defensive.
- Share the timeline. When did you first notice the change? Did anything happen around that time at home? A transition, a change in routine, something new? This context helps teachers make connections.
- Follow up. If the teacher shares something, circle back a few weeks later. “We talked about Rachel last month — I wanted to let you know things seem to be improving” closes the loop and builds the relationship.
- Trust your instinct. If you feel something is wrong and the teacher does not share your concern, trust yourself anyway. You know your child. Keep watching and keep the conversation open.
🏫 What teachers look for — and what helps them help you
As a teacher I have had many conversations with parents who come to me saying something feels wrong but they cannot put their finger on it. That instinct is almost always right. Here is what I look for in the classroom when a parent flags a concern.
- Changes in participation. A child who suddenly stops volunteering answers or engaging in activities they used to enjoy is telling us something
- Changes in friendships. Who they sit with, who they play with, whether they are included or on the edges
- Physical signs. Stomachaches before certain activities, coming in looking tired or upset regularly, flinching at certain sounds or situations
- Artwork and creative work. Recurring themes, images that appear in multiple pieces of work, drawings that shift in size, color, or mood
- How they respond to correction. A child who falls apart when gently corrected may be carrying more stress than usual
- What they say during free play. Children say things during unstructured time that they would never say in a formal conversation
The most helpful thing a parent can do is keep the teacher informed of anything significant happening at home. A new baby, a move, a loss, a change in family structure — even things that seem unrelated to school can show up in a child’s classroom behavior. Teachers cannot respond to what they do not know about.
🌱 What to do when you find out something is wrong
Sometimes the conversation goes well and you find out what is going on. Sometimes it is something small — a misunderstanding, a rough week, a friendship hiccup that resolves itself. Sometimes it is bigger.
Whatever it is, the way you respond in that first moment matters enormously.
- Thank them for telling you. “I am so glad you told me that. It takes courage to say something.” This makes it more likely they will come to you next time
- Do not immediately go into fix-it mode. Sit with what they shared for a moment. Let them feel heard before you start problem-solving
- Validate the feeling even if you disagree with the interpretation. “That sounds really hard” is true even if the situation is not as bad as they think
- Be honest about what you can and cannot do. “I am going to look into this and I will tell you what I find out” is better than promising something you cannot deliver
- Follow through. If you say you will look into it, look into it. Nothing closes a child off faster than telling a trusted adult something important and having that adult do nothing
Children are always telling us how they are. The question is whether we are listening in all the ways they speak. Not just with words. With drawings, with play, with behavior, with the tiny shifts we notice when we are paying close enough attention.
You noticed something. That already matters. Keep going.
Quick recap:
- Children communicate constantly, just not always with words
- Watch for changes in behavior, emotions, physical signs, artwork, social connections, and school engagement
- The signs look different at each age — toddlers regress, school-age kids go quiet, tweens withdraw
- Artwork is a window — a drawing that changes over time is worth paying attention to
- Play reveals what words cannot — get on the floor and follow their lead
- Try mommy time — ten minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one before bed. It builds connection and solves bedtime battles at the same time
- Side by side is almost always better than face to face with older kids
- Ask sideways questions at low-pressure moments — bedtime, car rides, walks
- When they open up, thank them and listen before you fix anything 💚