What Every Parent and Teacher Needs to Know About Bullying (And What Actually Helps)
In this article:
- Why half of bullied children never tell an adult and how to read the signs they are not saying
- The mama bear moment where I did not know who was suffering more, me or my child
- The puppet show that worked better than any conversation we tried
- Famous people who were bullied as children and what they became
- What parents of bullies need to hear and almost never do
- Books, simple steps, and the tools we can give children right now
Bullying hurts. Not just the child being targeted. The children watching it happen carry something too. And the child doing the bullying, whatever brought them to that point, is hurting in ways that rarely get acknowledged.
It hurts everyone in the room. And the effects do not always stay in childhood. I have heard adults who are well past their school years describe something that happened to them as children with a rawness that tells you it never fully healed. Some wounds from that age go deep and stay deep.
As a parent, be careful about projecting your own school experience onto your child’s situation. Your memories of being bullied, of watching it happen, of the social dynamics of the classroom you grew up in, will colour how you see what is happening to your child. Sometimes that projection helps you understand. Sometimes it gets in the way of seeing what your child actually needs.
The mama bear moment
One of my children was being bullied. And I want to tell you what that was like from the inside because I think parents need to hear it from someone who has been there.
I wanted to march over and deal with the child who was doing it myself. The mama bear in me was completely activated and I was not interested in process or tools or any of the things I tell other parents to do. I wanted it to stop and I wanted it to stop immediately.
I did not know who was suffering more. Me or my child.
And that is the honest truth about what it is like when it is yours. All the knowledge you have, all the experience, all the things you know to say and do, they sit in a completely different part of your brain from the part that is watching your child be hurt. You have to consciously choose to go back to what you know rather than what you feel.
The feeling is valid. The feeling is love. But acting purely from that feeling rarely helps your child and sometimes makes things worse.
What helped was slowing down. Letting my child talk. Listening without immediately going into fix-it mode. Sitting with the discomfort of not being able to make it disappear instantly, which is one of the hardest things a parent can do.
When everything looks fine but it is not
Children are extraordinarily good at protecting their parents from worry. They come home, they say “fine” when you ask how their day was, they eat dinner, they do their homework, and they carry the whole thing alone.
This is not a reason to panic. It is a reason to pay attention differently. Not to the words but to the shifts. The child who used to mention a certain friend and suddenly never does. The one who loved school and now finds reasons not to go. The one who comes home just slightly quieter than before.
About 19 percent of students between the ages of 12 and 18 reported being bullied at school during the 2021 to 2022 school year. Only about 44 percent of those bullied students notified an adult at school about the incident. More than half told nobody. Not because they did not have someone to tell. Because they were protecting that someone, or themselves, from the discomfort of saying it out loud.
Reading the fine lines is not about anxiety. It is about being the parent who notices the small things before they become big ones.
- A change in how they talk about school or specific friends. A child who used to mention someone regularly and suddenly never does. A child who used to enjoy school and now finds reasons not to go.
- Physical complaints before school. Stomachaches and headaches on school mornings that disappear on weekends are a classic sign of anxiety connected to something at school.
- Coming home quieter than usual. Not every day, but consistently. Something shifted and they are processing it alone.
- Changes in eating or sleeping. Appetite changes, difficulty sleeping, waking at night.
- Unexplained mood changes at home. Irritable, withdrawn, or unusually emotional about small things. The feelings about school are coming out sideways at home.
- Avoiding screens or social media. Cyberbullying is increasingly common. Among bullied students between the ages of 12 and 18, over 21 percent faced bullying online or through text messages. A child who suddenly avoids their phone may be avoiding something on it.
Read the fine lines. Not just the words. The withdrawal, the quietness, the slightly different version of your child that shows up after school. Those signals matter even when your child says everything is fine.
- Watch the nonverbal signals. A child who has gone quiet, who does not want to go to school, who comes home and goes straight to their room, who has stopped mentioning certain friends, is telling you something without words. Pay attention to the change, not just the words.
- Ask differently. Not “how was your day?” Try “what was the hardest part of today?” or “did anything happen today that you are still thinking about?” Sideways questions open more doors than direct ones.
- Share your own stories. When you tell your child about something hard that happened to you at their age, something social, something about friendships, you are showing them that these conversations are safe. That hard things can be said out loud in this family.
- Do not overreact to the small things. If a child tells you something minor and your reaction is big, they will not bring you the major things. Build the habit of receiving what they share calmly, even when it is hard to hear.
- Use the car and bedtime. Side by side with no eye contact, in the dark before sleep. Those are the two places children talk most freely. Use them deliberately.
The puppet show that worked better than anything else
As a teacher I have tried many approaches to bullying. Conversations, role plays, classroom rules, consequence systems. Some work better than others. But one of the most effective things I ever saw was a third party coming into the classroom with a puppet show specifically designed to help children understand why bullying hurts.
The children were completely invested in the puppet. They felt for it in a way that was different from how they engaged with conversations about real children or hypothetical scenarios. The puppet was safe. The puppet was not anyone they knew. And so they let themselves feel what the puppet was going through without any of the social complexity that comes with real situations.
They felt truly bad for that puppet. Not in a performed way. In a real, visceral way that you could see on their faces.
And the useful thing about that was what came after. For weeks after the puppet show we could reference it. “Remember how the puppet felt when that happened?” That gave us a shared language, a shared emotional reference point, that made conversations about real situations much easier to have.
The lesson from the puppet is something worth taking home too. Children learn empathy more easily through story and character than through direct instruction. Books about bullying, films where a character experiences exclusion, even role play where they play the person being left out rather than the person doing the leaving, all of these reach a part of a child that a conversation about rules does not always reach.
The tools we can give children
Giving children tools is important. Implementing them is harder. And the honest truth is that even when they have the tools, children do not always use them in the moment because the moment is overwhelming and everything they practiced goes out of their head.
That is not failure. That is how learning under stress works. The tools still matter. They are still in there somewhere, accumulating quietly, waiting for the moment they are needed.
A child I worked with was being bullied. We talked through it many times. What to say, how to carry yourself, how to respond, how to walk away, how to get help. Good conversations. Real conversations.
She was not using any of it. Every time something happened she froze. I kept wondering whether any of it was landing at all.
Then one day she saw another child being bullied. Not her this time. Someone else. A child she barely knew, being treated the way she had been treated, and this time she was watching from the outside.
She stood up for that child. Clearly and without hesitation. She used the words we had practiced. She did the things we had talked about. All of it came out fully formed, like it had been sitting there the whole time waiting for the right moment.
Every conversation had landed. Every lesson had settled somewhere inside her. She just had not been ready to use it for herself yet. But she was ready to use it for someone else. And that was enough to show her she had it all along.
- The language to name what is happening. “What you are doing is bullying and it is not okay.” A child who can name it clearly has more power in the situation than one who cannot.
- Permission to walk away. Walking away from a bully is not weakness. Tell your child this explicitly and repeatedly. Staying to argue or fight back often escalates. Walking away with your head up is a skill.
- Who to tell and how. Name the specific adults they can go to. Not just “tell a teacher” but “go to Mrs. or Mr. so-and-so, this specific person, and say these specific words.” Make it concrete.
- The difference between telling and tattling. Telling keeps someone safe. Tattling is about getting someone in trouble. Children understand this distinction when you explain it clearly and it removes the shame around asking for help.
- Body language that does not invite escalation. Head up, steady voice, not showing fear. Not aggressive but not shrinking either. This is something you can actually practice together at home.
- The value of bystanders. Research consistently shows that when bystanders speak up or simply walk toward the situation, bullying stops faster than almost any other intervention. Teach children that witnessing is not neutral. They have power too.
When your child is the bully
This is the conversation nobody wants to have and everybody needs to.
When a parent finds out their child is bullying someone, the first thing that happens is shame. Where did I go wrong? What did I miss? What does this say about me as a parent?
Here is what I want every parent in that position to hear: a child who bullies is almost always a child who is hurting somewhere. That does not excuse the behavior. It does not mean the behavior gets to continue. But it does mean that punishment alone rarely solves it, because punishment does not address whatever is driving it.
- Do not minimize or defend. The instinct to protect your child is natural. But minimizing what they did or defending them against the school’s concerns makes it worse, not better. Take it seriously even when it is hard.
- Ask what is going on for them. Not just “why did you do that” which puts them on the defensive. “What is happening for you right now? Is something going on that I do not know about?” Children who bully are often dealing with something, at home, socially, or internally, that is expressing itself this way.
- Hold them accountable and stay connected. Both at the same time. The consequence matters. So does the relationship. A child who feels loved and held accountable by the same parent learns something different from a child who is just punished.
- Work with the school not against it. The school is not your enemy when they bring this to you. They are trying to solve the same problem you are. That partnership is one of the most effective tools available.
What we can control and what we cannot
Here is the truth that every parent needs to sit with. We can try to influence our children. We can direct them, instruct them, model for them, and give them tools. But we cannot create perfect situations for them.
We cannot guarantee that our child will never be bullied. We cannot guarantee that our child will never bully someone else. We cannot follow them into every social situation and make sure it goes the way we would want it to.
What we can do is exactly what our job description actually says. Give them the tools. Build the relationship so they will tell us when things go wrong. Stay present in their social world without controlling it. And be the safe place they come back to when the world outside does not go the way we practiced.
That is not a small thing. That is everything.
- To be believed. The first thing. No questioning whether it is really bullying, no “maybe they were just joking.” Believed.
- To be heard before being helped. Let them tell you the whole thing before you start problem-solving. Rushing to fix it before they feel understood closes them off.
- To know it is not their fault. Children who are bullied often wonder what they did to cause it. Say clearly and more than once: this is not because of anything you did wrong.
- To feel some control. Ask them what they want to happen next. What do they want you to do? Involving them in the response gives back some of the agency the bullying took away.
- To know you will not make it worse. Children often fear that adult intervention will escalate things. Talk through what you plan to do before you do it. Let them know what to expect.
Famous people who were bullied and what became of them
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say to a child who is being bullied is not a tool or a strategy. It is a name.
Elon Musk was severely bullied as a child and was hospitalized once when a group of boys threw him down a flight of stairs. Michael Phelps, who has won more Olympic gold medals than any athlete in history, was bullied as a child about his lisp and big ears. Kate Winslet was bullied for her weight and says her classmates even locked her in cupboards. Justin Timberlake was picked on constantly and said: “I got picked on all the time. I had terrible acne, weird hair. Everything that you get picked on for is essentially what is going to make you interesting as an adult.”
Christian Bale was bullied not because of how he looked but because of his success as a child actor. He said: “If you can face the bullying at school and come through it stronger, that is a lesson for life.”
Rihanna. Sandra Bullock. Emma Watson. Barack Obama. The list of people who were made to feel small in a classroom and went on to do extraordinary things is long enough to fill a book.
Tell your child these names. Not to minimize what they are going through. But so that when the child who is making their life difficult right now feels like the most powerful person in the world, your child has a frame of reference for what the future can look like.
Books worth having on your shelf
Books do something that conversations sometimes cannot. They create distance. A child can read about a character experiencing bullying and process their own feelings without it being directly about them. That distance is often exactly what is needed.
Some links below are Amazon affiliate links. I only share things I genuinely recommend.
- Wonder by R.J. Palacio: About a boy with a facial difference starting school and navigating belonging and cruelty. One of the most read and most loved books on this topic. The companion book We Are All Wonders is a picture book version for younger children.
- The Invisible String by Patrice Karst: For younger children. About the invisible connection between people who love each other. Useful for children who feel alone and need reminding that they are always connected to the people who love them.
- Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes: A picture book about a child whose name is mocked at school. Simple, age-appropriate, and opens beautiful conversations about being different and being proud of who you are.
- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk: Not specifically about bullying but about building the relationship that makes a child willing to share the hard things. Worth every parent reading before they need it.
- Stand in My Shoes by Bob Sornson: About empathy, about what it feels like to be someone else. A great classroom and home read for building the awareness that prevents bullying as much as it addresses it.
Simple steps to take right now
Not all at once. Pick one or two that feel right for where you are.
- Check in differently tonight. Not “how was your day.” Try “what was the hardest moment today?” or “did anything happen that is still sitting with you?” The question changes the conversation.
- Tell a story from your own school years. Something social and hard. Show your child that these things happened to you too, that you survived, and that you are safe to talk to about it.
- Know who your child sits with at lunch. Lunch and recess are where bullying most often happens. Knowing who they spend that time with tells you a lot about how they are doing socially.
- Talk about bystanders. Research shows that when even one bystander speaks up or moves toward a bullying situation, it stops within 10 seconds more than half the time. Teach your child that watching is not neutral. They have power.
- If bullying is happening, go to the school calmly and specifically. Not “my child is being bullied.” Bring dates, times, what happened, what was said. Specific information gets specific responses.
- Do not tell your child to ignore it. Ignoring rarely works and it adds isolation to the experience. Acknowledge it, name it, and work through what to do together.
We cannot create perfect situations for our children. But we can give them the tools, the relationship, and the knowledge that we are in their corner no matter what. That combination is more protective than any perfect situation could ever be.
Quick recap:
- About 1 in 5 children is bullied and more than half never tell an adult. Read the signs, not just the words.
- Build the relationship before the problem arrives so your child will talk to you when it does
- The puppet, the book, the character in the story. Children learn empathy through story more than through rules
- Elon Musk. Michael Phelps. Rihanna. Kate Winslet. The list of people who were made to feel small and went on to do extraordinary things is long. Tell your child those names.
- When your child is the bully, hold them accountable and stay connected. Both at the same time.
- We cannot create perfect situations. We can give them the tools and be the safe place they come back to 💚