Are You Talking TO Your Child or AT Them? The Difference That Changes Everything
In this article:
- The moment my child said “Mommy you are not listening to me” and stopped me in my tracks
- The difference between instructions and conversation and why it matters more than most parents realize
- The 80/20 rule that changed how I talk to my children
- The small trick I use to turn an instruction into a conversation without even trying
- Real examples of what this sounds like in practice
On the hard days, the overwhelmed days, the days where there is too much to do and not enough hours to do it, I become an instruction machine.
Clean that up. Why are your shoes on the floor. Did you do your homework. Put that away. Five more minutes. Get in the bath. Eat your dinner.
I am talking constantly. And saying almost nothing.
One evening one of my children looked at me and said: “Mommy, you are not listening to me.”
Not angry. Not dramatic. Just stating a fact.
And she was right. I had been talking at her for an hour and had not heard a single thing she said. I sat down, looked her in the eye, and apologized. And in the space that opened up after that apology she told me something she had been carrying all day that she had not found a way to share until that moment.
That is the difference between instruction and conversation. And it is bigger than most parents realize.
Instruction is not conversation
When we tell a child what to do, what not to do, what comes next, what needs to happen, we are instructing them. There is nothing wrong with instruction. Children need it. Structure needs it. Bedtime routines need it.
But instruction closes a door. It does not invite a response. It does not ask anything of the child except compliance. And a child who is only ever instructed eventually stops trying to share anything, because every time they open their mouth something gets directed at them rather than asked of them.
The second column still gets the job done. The room still gets cleaned. The homework still happens. But something different is communicated alongside the task: I see you. I am interested in you. You are more than the next item on my list.
The conversation that shows you what a child is carrying
After my daughter told me I was not listening, I stopped. Put everything down. Sat on the floor with her at her level and said: “You are right. I am sorry. Tell me what is going on.”
And she did. She had been holding something since school that morning. Something that was bothering her about a friend, a small thing that had grown heavy by the time evening came. She had been trying to tell me all day in small ways and I had been so deep in the list of things to do that I had missed every one of them.
That conversation took ten minutes. It cost nothing except my attention. And it mattered to her more than anything else I did that day.
Children do not always announce when they need to talk. They rarely say “I have something important to tell you, can we sit down?” They drop hints. They hover. They start a sentence and trail off. They get quieter. They get louder. They act out in small ways that are actually invitations.
When we are in instruction mode we miss all of it. When we slow down and ask a real question and actually wait for the answer, we suddenly hear things we had no idea were there.
The 80/20 rule that changed how I talk to my children
Here is something I started applying years ago and still use. Of all the talking you do with your children, aim for 80 percent of it to be real conversation and 20 percent to be instructions or directions.
Most parents are doing it the other way around without realizing it.
Count your words for one evening. How many of them are tasks and directions and corrections? How many of them are actual questions, responses, observations, stories? The ratio is usually surprising.
- You ask something and wait for the answer. Not a yes or no question. An open one. “What was the best thing that happened today?” “What are you thinking about right now?” “What would you do if you were in charge?”
- You follow their lead. They answer and you respond to what they said, not to what you expected them to say. If they go somewhere surprising, go with them.
- You share something too. A real conversation goes both ways. Tell them something about your day. Something funny, something frustrating, something you were thinking about. Children who hear their parents share things learn that sharing is what people do.
- You do not fix everything. Sometimes a child just needs to be heard, not helped. Ask “do you want me to help you figure this out or do you just need to tell someone?” That question alone changes everything.
The trick I use to turn instructions into conversations
Here is something I do that makes a real difference on the hard days when I am tired and the instructions are coming automatically.
I deliver the instruction in a conversational tone that leaves the door open. Not a command. A question or an observation that contains the same information.
Instead of “go to bed” I say “it is getting close to bedtime, what do you still want to do before we start the routine?” They still go to bed. But they feel like they had a say in how they got there.
Instead of “stop fighting with your sister” I say “what is going on between you two right now?” They still stop fighting. But now I also know what started it.
Instead of “eat your vegetables” I say “which ones do you want to start with?” Still eating vegetables. But they made a choice and choices feel completely different from commands.
- “Did you do your homework?” becomes “What did you have for homework today? Was any of it hard to figure out?”
- “Clean your room” becomes “Your room needs a tidy. Do you want to do it now or after dinner?”
- “Stop being difficult” becomes “You seem frustrated. What is going on?”
- “Get off your phone” becomes “What are you watching? Show me for a second.”
- “Why are your shoes on the floor again?” becomes “Shoes off at the door, please. How was the walk home?”
The task is the same. The relationship underneath it is different. And the relationship underneath it is the thing that determines whether your child comes to you with the hard stuff when they are older.
Why this matters more as children get older
When children are small they do not have a choice about talking to you. You are their whole world. But as they get older they start to choose. They choose who they talk to about the things that matter. They choose whose opinion they value. They choose who they go to when something goes wrong.
The parent who spent years instructing is not usually the one they choose. The parent who spent years asking and listening and actually responding to what they heard is.
This does not mean you stop giving instructions. It means you are deliberate about the ratio. About noticing when you have been in command mode for too long and course correcting before your child does it for you with a quiet “Mommy, you are not listening.”
- Your child stops finishing their sentences when they talk to you
- They answer your questions with one word and nothing more
- They stop coming to find you to share things
- They seem fine but something feels slightly distant
- They say “you never listen” or “you always tell me what to do”
- You realize you do not know what is going on in their life right now and cannot remember the last time you asked a real question
Any of those is a signal. Not a crisis. A signal. Sit down. Put the list away for ten minutes. Ask a real question. Wait for the answer. And see what comes back.
You will almost always be surprised.
Quick recap:
- Instruction tells a child what to do. Conversation invites them to share who they are. Both are necessary but the ratio matters.
- Aim for 80 percent conversation and 20 percent instruction. Most parents are doing it the other way around.
- You do not have to stop giving instructions. You just deliver them in a way that leaves the door open.
- The parent who asks and listens is the one children choose to talk to when the hard things happen.
- When your child says “you are not listening” that is not an accusation. It is an invitation. Take it. 💚